Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
