eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
