i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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