Soap is not a condiment
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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