There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
even my farts smell like vagina
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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