my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
