According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
