I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
