i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
