Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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