i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
