i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
