I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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