you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
