did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
