I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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