Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
