worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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