I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
