In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
