her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
