She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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