Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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