our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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