I am puke
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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