So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
