I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
