You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
