did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
