did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
