so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
