Can i not drive my cunt home
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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