My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
