i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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