He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
