An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
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I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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