Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
