she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
