Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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