capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
