I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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