tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
