i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
