I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
