A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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