Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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