just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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