I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
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Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.