Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
