I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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