What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
