Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
