the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
