Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
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i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
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I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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