Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
