I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize
