Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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