I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
