what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
my poor anus
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
