i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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