Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
